The fight with the devil

Background: It wasn’t until my late 20’s that I figured out how unnatural my mood swings were. It was quite liberating to figure out that I wasn’t losing my mind, while I was in fact losing my mind. From there, let’s just say I bitched and moaned for a few years about how having a non-neurotypical brain sucked and woe is me. I became really good at feeling bad for myself. 

Fast forward, I’ve started to get control of things. With that said, what they don’t tell you is that just because you get pretty decent control, the fight doesn’t get easier. In my experience, the devil just comes at you in different, often more creative ways. 

Call it what you want, I call it the devil. 

Whether it’s drinking, social media, food, money, going to the gym, you name it… You can NEVER drown the devil. He will not go away. 

But, I figured out a “why” that gives me strength to battle him. It’s because having these fucking mood swings (no I’m not having one right now but I’m coming off one) is BRUTAL. All the devil brings is short term euphoria and you pay for it later, often much longer than the amount of time that was enjoyable. 

It’s much easier to listen to the devil and damn does it feel good in the short term. 

So what’s the fight for? This is a fight for stability. 

I have zero chance of making the best decisions and being my best man if I’m not stable. 

I had a friend congratulate me last week on some good news and say, “You must be so excited!” I told her, “I’m grateful for the opportunity.”

Getting excited rocks the boat. I don’t want to rock the boat. 

I want stability, and I am willing to fight the devil for stability, but also, I’m confident I’ll defeat him because I’m stable. 

Until next time.

– Stable Stevie