This week I was feeling really heavy. I started the week very cerebral, and it only got deeper as the week went on.
I found myself taking walks with Wilbur, finding a park bench, and crying. I found myself listening to music that represented the emotions I was feeling and allowed myself to really “be” with what was going on in my head.
I felt like shit. I really did. Overwhelming negative thoughts with a high level of volume.
Tuesday, I had a call with my sister where we talked about my parents and their degrading health. Historically, my sister didn’t open up much to me but that has changed in recent years. What she shared that day was incredibly impactful. I didn’t want to hear her in pain, but I do share her pain.
I understood it, and she came to me knowing I would understand it more than anyone.
We, together as brother and sister, became stronger that day.
With a few things lingering in my mind, I was spending a TON of time processing completely alone. My thoughts were racing, and getting back into alignment was nearly impossible. I would say I probably had three or four hours on calls with my mentor as I worked through a myriad of subjects.
I do this to ensure I continue making the best decisions I can. I first write down a lot of my thoughts to see what I can figure out, and then I will reach out if I need some extra distillation. Those calls are invaluable to me. A true teammate who understands my mission and will speak completely candidly with me.
As the week went on, I was continuing to feel fairly “heavy” when I heard the news about Marshawn Kneeland.
As the information came out, I felt the weight of my negative thoughts from the previous days turn into sadness.
In what looks like a frantic police chase, a crashed car, and taking his life, it looked like one giant mishap with a terrible ending.
But, then, more details came out.
Marshawn’s girlfriend tipped off the police, mentioning suicidal texts and ideations. This was years of pain building up to this moment.
Trauma, like Marshawn was experiencing, builds up like plaque in arteries. Years and years of pain. Years of suicidal ideations crept into his mind.
Morning, afternoon, night. Worry and fear have complete control.
I didn’t know Marshawn, and I wasn’t in his mind, but I have the ability to understand.
Every time they mentioned him on TV or Social Media, I found myself breaking down.
I’ve struggled with these ideations for many years. I battle them often. I know I am not my thoughts so I continue to fight, but when I hear about others who lose the battle, I break down.
This past week, shit was really fucked up in my head, so I did something about it. I wrote my thoughts down, talked to my mentor, and was completely transparent about it. I went on multiple walks with my dog to try and recenter myself.
Did it just magically work? No. But I did make progress. I did my best not to let the plaque build up.
As for Marshawn Kneeland…
I wish I could have given Marshawn (or anyone) a hug during the final moments to keep him/them here. I feel such incredibly deep feelings as I write this.
Cameron Ross, whom I’ve written about many times, lost this battle. I’ve had countless moments where I wished I were in the backyard in his final moments to give him a hug.
…To tell him his thoughts are not him and that there’s so much more for him here.
That’s what I thought of as I heard reports about Marshawn.
Marshawn Kneeland lost his mother to a drug overdose about a year ago. Sounds like she was the major supporter and a big reason for him to keep on living.
Most people saw a humble young man who’s becoming an NFL star with fans all over the world and plenty of money to take care of himself for years to come. That may be true, but there’s so much more.
You see, stress and trauma are really sneaky.
To quote Eric Kussin from #SameHere, The Global Mental Health Alliance:
“He earned over $1m this year with $4m guaranteed. But trauma doesn’t discriminate. A mom’s sudden death, injuries piling up, the unrelenting pressure of pro football. Layers of grief that accumulate…”
FIVE IN FIVE people experience stress and trauma, which build up. This isn’t MENTALLY ILL or NOT MENTALLY ILL. It’s not “disorder” or “normal”; that’s a flawed ideology.
I truly believe strength comes from acknowledging what is, and if shit is fucked up in your head, you have to acknowledge it.
It will slowly build up until it becomes a real imbalance. Many people will then turn to coping mechanisms like alcohol, drugs, porn, etc.
Here is the #SameHere Scale, which we all live on. Mental Health is on a continuum. We all slide up and down this scale.
Now, speaking to the leaders out there. We have to set the tone on this!
Strength is defined as the capacity for an object to withstand great force or pressure.
Strong leaders understand that sharing candid experiences with others (the highs and the lows) and conquering them is how they became strong, empathetic leaders.
Your thoughts may be really bad, and I mean really bad, and those thoughts are NOT YOU. You are a divine being that is made of pure love. You really are.
To the men out there. There are more men in power than there are women, that’s the reality.
You want to know what else is a stat? Men are dying by suicide 400% more than women.
We hold it in, let it build up, and then end our lives because to share our burden with anyone else looks to be an unreasonable option.
If you have some thoughts creeping in, work them out. Write them down, talk to your friend, and make a plan to address it.
Do not wait.
Check in with your friends and loved ones. Just call them and push them to share how they’re really doing.
Happy to see the NFL devoting time and effort to suicide prevention this past weekend. With that said, it’s only a start.
Let’s do our absolute best to keep each other going.
#SameHere
– SJ