I felt like I was focused and wandering at the same time this week. I had this empty feeling during the middle of the week like I was searching for something.
Something more? Idk. Something, that’s for sure.
When I feel this way the last thing I want to do is ruminate aimlessly. That’s the downside of being very conspicuously aware.
Things can get deep quick and also not productive.
The golf course is often a great place to enjoy myself and also think. It’s even better when I hang out with some of my member buddies.
I get enough time where I can think on my own and be at peace watching the golf ball fly through the air, then hang with some awesome people.
I got to see Manning again this week. His energy very much helps me. I have been struggling badly with my short game, and he brings the calm.
That leads me to three key takeaways from this week.
1. My short game has been bad for like five years, and besides a short four month stint, I’ve reverted back to struggling badly. I have also talked about it WAY too much. Projecting the living hell out of my struggles. Why? Because it’s unbearable at times. It’s a part of the game that I’ve been so good at, and it’s occupied an apartment in my head and isn’t paying rent. The negativity standing over a shot has been deafening. I found myself so upset last week that I broke down crying after screaming “Fuck!” as loud as I could. It was that day that I realized it has become more than it needs to be. It’s ok for me to have an experience of frustration, anxiety, or sadness. It’s not ok to judge myself so damn hard and judge myself as a person, and that’s what I’m doing. The next two days, I decided to practice and give myself grace and love as I worked on my short game.
Excited to have the opportunity to play golf this week and enjoy my growth.
PS: On Wednesday I played with my business partners, and after struggling for most of the day I kept doing my best and finished with two great swings and a 35 foot Eagle to make me want to come back again. Always nice.
2. I’ve been working hard on my mental health and communication the last five years but especially the last two. Being so consciously aware all the time has tremendous benefits, but if I can’t control my emotions, I can get sideways pretty quick. When it comes to my dealings with business people, I’ve gotten really good at it. I’m very confident in my ability to navigate personalities and conflict in pretty much any situation. Now, with personal life it’s different. Why? Because, in my learning and experience, we push our bullshit out to those closest to us, especially if we think they won’t leave. It’s even harder if those people are smart but don’t understand how they can literally morph once the evidential mind and “fear based” reality structure takes over. In my work with Rex, I’ve worked for countless hours to be able to spot when my evidential mind takes over as master. I’m far from perfect, but I can pick up on it quickly, and even more importantly, I’m able to journal after and clean up any mistakes.
So what do you do when the other person isn’t “centered” and has very little control? That’s where I’m spending more time right now. I get fed up pretty quickly, and my evidential mind starts to take over. Then I notice it and start to get worked up.
That’s the antithesis of where I want to be. I think I used that word correctly.
I can’t control how the other person acts, but I can control the environment, and I have to hold the space for love without the need for repayment. It’s just the right thing to do, and I can do it.
3. On Sunday I played volleyball with two of what I will now call friends. Over a two hour period, they steadily helped me learn the techniques to make some real progress. I enjoy feeling a little anxious when trying something new because my mind is telling me to run the other way, but I know that’s a short term feeling and letting fear win is not gonna happen. During our third game, I finally found my timing and made a great swing.
Then another… and another…
Amidst my struggles, I knew I could do it, but something hit me as I was walking out.
Taylor and Matt were much of the reason I made so much progress. They were positive, direct, and really pushed the ball my way because they could see I wanted to give it my all.
I’m nearly always the one teaching, and I gotta say, this was so much fun to be on the other side with friends.
Even though it was just open play on a Sunday, I wanted to learn as much as possible. I like being good at things, and they’re both really good. Ideal scenario for me.
I left feeling really light, uplifted, and appreciated. I can still feel the joy as I’m writing.
Last week’s basket of experiences and emotions was pretty unique. What stuck out most was the way I embraced the weekend with love.
In my session with Rex, we discussed that there is a retention pond of love that I’ve created in my nucleus, and it was time to ask the universe to grab a bucket full of love and send it my way.
In no particular way, but just requesting a bit show up in my life.
It did, and I think Sunday was the biggest showcase of that.
It’s the annual Cabo golf trip this week. It’s golf all day, every day, and that’s it. Walking the earth in beautiful Cabo with friends playing the game I love.
I’m very thankful for this trip and having the ability to do it with much less “worry” than many other people. I’ve worked hard for a long time, and this is why I chose to do so.
I’m going to work through a lot of my emotions this week as I stare at the grass, sand, water, and beautiful sunshine.
Let’s see where the week takes me.
Sending anyone who reads this a little extra love.
– SJ