Pain, trauma, and worry have made me numb in many ways recently. I’m conditioned to expect more shitty news and bad things to happen… at least in my current mental state.
My dad’s been in the hospital and in rehab trying to get strong enough to move back to a normal life, and I’m doing my best to be there in person as often as possible.
Having my mom die and then having my dad in the hospital right after has really fucked with my head.
I’m not having a lot of fun right now. I’m also doing my absolute best to not bitch and moan. It’s a waste of time, and I know that.
This is life. Much of it feels like a tragedy, though it’s really just one big circle of life.
We arrive from what feels like nothing, and then, in a relatively short amount of time, we’re gone.
For me, I just keep feeling a blend of thinking my loved ones are still there and also wondering if they ever were.
If it weren’t for photos, I feel like I could convince myself it was all a dream.
It’s not a dream. I’m in the thick of it, and what I’ve noticed most is the way the increased level of variables is making life feel more and more like a dream, and planning for the future with my companies or even just being “present” is difficult.
Those variables, I actually don’t mind them in the moment… It’s the consequences afterwards that start to weigh on me.
I don’t feel like myself.
I feel… hollow.
I’m sitting with people trying to “enjoy” myself, but I’m rarely mentally present.
“Stephen, you need the vacation time. You need to be with family and friends…”
Yes, I agree, but I want to make sure I’m actually with the people around me.
I was literally on the beach for a week with PERFECT weather and was struggling to be present all week.
Well, the highlight from this past week where I definitely WAS present was Christmas Day. Long story short, it all started with a bit of an argument between my brother-in-law and me.
When he walked in on Christmas, I was caught up in my thoughts and not overly approachable. I was spinning a bit. I wasn’t rude, I just wasn’t super cheery and my normal self.
He chirped the fuck out of me lol. He essentially asked me if I was going to cheer the fuck up or if I wanted them to leave.
About an hour later, I asked him to go for a walk. Over that time, he apologized, and I did the same. We worked together on understanding each other better, and what I thought was most impactful was that he clearly knew I wasn’t doing well, and he wanted to understand why, so he could be a great brother. I loved my walk with Ron.
That set the tone for the rest of the day. What a BEAUTIFUL day it was.
This writing is an example of why I started writing in the first place. Trying to take all of these feelings and thoughts and figure out what they mean and what I want to do next.
This writing was very helpful for me.
I don’t feel great, and I am spinning in many ways, but there’s a lot more good going on than bad. There are building blocks set in place as the foundation for future successes in business and in my personal life.
I know the answer to being more present… Breath.
Take it all in. Tell those around me that I love them and do nice things for them.
Be with my dad and don’t complain. Just do my absolute best. Bring him joy.
I will.
Thanks 2025, you were great to me in so many ways. I lost my mom this year, but I also know she would want me to look to 2026, thinking of the great things that 2025 brought me to set the tone for next year.
I also wanted to share this photo of one of my mother’s favorite traditions, the poinsettia Christmas tree on Fort Myers Beach. She would have loved this year’s display!
Cheers to keeping things on the straight and narrow, as my dad would say.
See you next year.
– SJ