This week was the definition of character building, with a lot more coming. My mind is running, I’ve had little sleep, and I’ve got a long, challenging, and probably rewarding week ahead.
I’ve worked myself up a little more than I meant to. I’m using this writing as an exercise to recenter.
Thinking about the controllables as I’m sitting here writing.
I’ve been working for a few months to overhaul some of our sales department tracking and procedures, which then led to hiring another senior sales executive.
Finally, we had a nice little team with a BDR, Senior Sales Exec, and a Sales Director.
Then, on Wednesday, my SD turned in his two weeks.
Without getting into details, it’s definitely a situation where we have both had a great time together with tremendous growth/success, but it’s probably run its course. His new gig is going to be a fantastic fit for him, and I’m genuinely excited for him.
Now, I’m on the clock.
Much of what has been created over the last 24 months has been created by my SD, and now I’m tasked with getting to know just about every piece of it.
I’m sure you can imagine I’m feeling some type of way about all of this.
Amidst that, I feel grateful for the opportunity to jump into this machine that I spent so long building, then hand off, and now I get to jump back in again.
It’s an opportunity for me to reset. It’s fucked with my head this past week, but in many ways, it was to be expected.
Thursday night I woke up at 3:30 AM and worked for the better part of three hours until everyone else woke up. I couldn’t sleep with so much unknown.
There it is. There’s the lesson.
The unknown, taking over my body and my ability to sleep.
Fear consuming my thoughts at certain times.
My yearning for support started to rise. With that said, I also realize I don’t NEED it, so it was a weird blend of asking for it and also pushing it away at times.
I do not want to depend on external affirmation. I will never become the leader or person I desire to be.
I was really excited for Monday morning to arrive because I knew whatever fear was in my mind was much worse than things were going to be.
Monday morning started off with some hard work, organization, and humility.
Informing people of his departure brought up a lot of appreciation for him.
That’s what he deserves.
I’ve been really hard on him. We’ve both made mistakes, but what I’m most appreciative of is the fact that if we both look back two years and ask ourselves if we were successful, we’d both agree we did incredible things.
Looking forward to next Monday’s writing because there’s a lot on the docket for this week.
As I mentioned previously, I’ve been having some personal shit pushing me to the brink.
My mind hasn’t been where I want it to be. That’s on me.
Something that’s getting to me…
I have really high expectations when it comes to accountability. If someone in my life makes a mistake and doesn’t hold themselves accountable, I lose respect very quickly.
The only reason to avoid accountability is shame intolerance.
What should happen: “I made a mistake/acted poorly, but my core identity is intact”
What can happen: “I am a flawed, unlovable, bad person.”
I’ve had multiple people in my life take the second route and not even know it. In fact, they’ve argued they are not doing it WHILE doing it.
Then, I get frustrated and push even harder because it’s, most importantly, a waste of their time and secondarily my time.
I’ve personally worked for YEARS to get rid of the second option. It’s not the truth, so why avoid it when I’ve made a mistake?
So why do I mention it in my writing today?
Because I want to do my absolute best to foster that first mindset, and I believe at times I can be so blunt it makes people think I’m seeing them as less.
It crushes me when people shut down, and real, genuine conversation stops.
I want to be my best with those that are closest so WE can be our best.
Moreover, and to the point I made earlier, I cannot operate at an optimal level if I’m arguing. It doesn’t matter who it is.
To be continued…
Finally, a Sunday round of golf to round out my week gave me some much needed perspective.
First, I decided to get all buzzed up and see if I could get rid of my mental woes with putting.
It was about 90% successful. I became more focused on trying to even make contact with the ball rather than all the bullshit lack of self belief.
I didn’t make a ton of putts, but I made a lot of great putting strokes and continued to hit my irons really well. It reminded me that, as I mentioned last week, acceptance is most important.
Just play and accept what happens.
One last thing I wanted to mention that was a big deal yesterday.
My old high school basketball coach ended up being a bit of a mentor to me after basketball. With that said, it ended in a sour manner, and I haven’t really spoken to him since.
Yesterday we happened to run into him and he, quite abruptly, added himself to our tee time.
I was OK with it but really didn’t prefer it.
Upon finishing the round and sitting here typing, I just wanted to say, always leave the door open and walk the earth with humility and love.
Brad was a class act and also happened to showcase his mentorship in a moment where I very much benefited from it.
I used the word “can’t” in a moment where he knew I could, and he made sure to say something.
Brad, you didn’t have to do it, but you did, and for that, I appreciate you. I won’t forget it.
I also won’t forget what you said when we shook hands at the end.
“Guys, this made my year. Thanks for having me.”
I know he is an accomplished and proud man, and Sunday showed he is an ally and someone who cares about us.
That set the tone for the week, and I will not forget it.
This writing took me nearly a day to finish because of all my feelings. What I’m most proud of is the work I’ve already done and the team that has surrounded me as I’ve asked for support.
I sure am a very blessed person and I’m taking extra time to think about that today.
Among the turmoil this past week I got to go to the EAA Airventure show, hang out with Elizabeth and JC on the boat, and play world class golf. That’s a lot to be thankful for!
Chin up, shoulders back.
Time to level up.
– SJ
PS: Shoutout to everyone that came to our 20 year class reunion. It was great to see everyone and I’m glad I went!