First of all, a little extra stress has me waking up between 5:30 and 6:15 AM pretty much every day. The issue is, I’m not going to bed any earlier and some nights way later.
It’s been about 10 days, and it’s really weighing on me. More and more people keep mentioning how tired I look.
Well, everyone, I’m trying to get down at night, and I have been unable to… But I’m making progress.
As for my journal entry for this week, ugh.
Unexpressed love, that’s what’s coming out of my heart right now.
That’s a big part of what’s got me feeling down a bit lately.
This grief stays within me as unexpressed love I never got to give.
The particular grief I’m dealing with has to do with my mom and loving herself.
Wishing she saw herself as the divine being that she is. That’s the mom I remember most.
If my mom had felt loved, she would still be around. It’s something I’ve thought about, wrote about, and discussed with Rex.
I’ve struggled with these feelings for a long time. It’s something I’m consciously aware of on a daily basis. Overly aware, the books would suggest.
Recently I’ve been having wandering thoughts which lead to wandering days. I’ve been ruminating WAY more than I want.
There are plenty of things I’ve been ruminating about, but my mom comes up a lot.
I’ve been grieving more than I thought.
I’ve been processing a feeling of guilt.
One thing, though. It has been productive. Not the most efficient, but productive.
You see…
If I get really really frustrated with someone, I will withhold some of my love for that individual. It’s something I’m now consciously aware of, so I rarely allow the feelings that drive that action to take over… But it happens from time to time.
Now, going back 10-15 years ago, I did it a decent amount. I especially did it with my mom.
We did it to each other.
Well, I’ve known this and even written about it in the past… So why is the grief coming up now?
Ah, yes. Guilt.
I’ve been going against the rules from The Four Agreements. I’ve been punishing myself over and over and over…
Example: Her 70th birthday. Barely wished her a happy birthday.
Not even sure if I sent a gift.
Guilt…
I am working on this, but it keeps coming up. I went back and read a few pages of The Four Agreements this past week to realign myself.
Anyways…
I’ve never, and I mean never, felt the feelings I’m about to share.
I’ve been questioning just how close I want to get to people.
I encountered this with my dad a few months back before he sold the house.
I was unpacking why he would lose contact with people even though I know he loved hanging out with them and vice versa.
The reason why he moves on so quickly or can be distant is the pain he is feeling. Especially stemming from losing his dad in such a tough way so early in life.
It almost feels… Cold.
I can feel how my experience of losing my friend Cameron and now my mom has pushed me into a different realm of wandering.
Wondering.
It was last week that I felt, for the first time in a long time, depressed.
I have some amazing things that I’m building with fantastic people, and when I felt depressed the other day, I couldn’t feel any of the good things.
If you’ve felt that feeling before, you understand.
This weekend was very impactful for me. I spent time with a few close friends. I shared with them how I was feeling and how much I loved them.
I shared with them without fear of persecution or fear of losing them.
On Sunday, I spent nearly the entire day listening to mindfulness podcasts and reading.
I’m working diligently on some of my rumination issues. I made progress today (Sunday).
I got to spend time with my buddy Steve Manning, who has inspired me to get back to my mindfulness exercises that I’ve skipped for a while.
I’m feeling hopeful and excited for this week. I have my new senior sales executive, Brad, flying into town. I get to see just how far along he is and how much I can bet on him.
This is me in my element. I look forward to showing up and doing my absolute best for myself, him, and the company.
One thing I’m also focused on is acknowledging the amount I’ve put on my plate and that I can handle it. I am focused on acknowledging the experiences I’m having emotionally.
This came to a head on Monday morning when I went to see Wilbur for the first time in like 12 days. I started crying as soon as I saw him. I just held him in my arms for a few minutes and told him I loved him over and over and over.
I’m going to do a better job going out of my way to have beautiful experiences with him before it’s too late. He deserves everything I give him.
Time to get to work. Man, am I feeling deeply right now. I’m glad to have great projects to work on and also time to write and digest my emotions.
Mindful Monday.
– SJ